Hormones, baby!
I am woman, hear me bitch.
Everything is pissing me off these days. Since misery loves company, just come on over, pull up a chair, grab some sour grapes, aand learn just exactly what got under my skin today.
Dear Cashier at the Convenience Store, kindly hand me the change before you hand me the bills. If you hand me the coins on top of the bills, they like to slide all over the place, spill out of my hand, and fall onto the floor. When I'm trying to juggle a changepurse, newspaper, and breakfast sandwich, all while keeping track of the 4-year-old that loves to wander, the last fucking thing I need is fucking change flying all the fuck over the fucking store, FUCKER!
Dear Dunkin Donuts Manager, kindly do not allow your trainees to work the morning shift until they know how to prepare a fucking cup of coffee! Granted, my order is complicated, as I ask for the sugar to be put in the cup at the end and not stirred, but I think that it's do-able. If the dipshit family members you hire can't figure out NOT to stir the goddamn coffee, you need to look beyond your family tree for potential spouses.
Dear Asshole in the Car in Front of ME: it's called a TURN SIGNAL. USE IT! Also, when I beep at you because you're inexplicably stopped at A GREEN LIGHT, do NOT gesticulate wildly in the direction of the police station. The only gesture you're going to receive back is the largest digit on my right hand extended in your direction, cocksucker.
Dear Lazy-ass, Entitled, Honor Student: Do your fucking homework and turn it in when it's due. Don't expect me to give you an extension because you "had a soccer game and got in really late." Fuck that! Set your priorities - academics first, entertainment next. And do not ever bitch to me that you couldn't do your homework because you had so much work in your other classes. Do what I did, peckerwood, STAY UP LATE UNTIL YOUR HOMEWORK'S DONE!
Dear Whiny, Enabling, Honor-Student's Parent: Do NOT expect me to give myself extra work by assigning your lazy-ass kid an extra credit project. If the little shit couldn't be arsed to do the work in the first place, why should I accept any extra work that he's just deigned to do? Fuck right off!
Dear Bitchy, Passive-Aggressive Coworker: when I extend the hand of peace, the appropriate response is to accept it gracefully. If you get all bitchy at me again, you can expect the hand of peace to bitch-slap you upside your self-important, inflated head, you cunt.
Dear Old Biddy at the Market: Kindly adhere to the rules of the road and push your shopping cart down the same side of the aisle that you'd drive your car on, were you on the road. Oh, yeah, that's right - you drive SMACK DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD, TOO!
There. That should do it for today. I've expunged my ire for one day. I'm sure that I'll have more to complain about tomorrow, as the fucking hormones will be with me for the next TWO FUCKING WEEKS!!!!!
Everything is pissing me off these days. Since misery loves company, just come on over, pull up a chair, grab some sour grapes, aand learn just exactly what got under my skin today.
Dear Cashier at the Convenience Store, kindly hand me the change before you hand me the bills. If you hand me the coins on top of the bills, they like to slide all over the place, spill out of my hand, and fall onto the floor. When I'm trying to juggle a changepurse, newspaper, and breakfast sandwich, all while keeping track of the 4-year-old that loves to wander, the last fucking thing I need is fucking change flying all the fuck over the fucking store, FUCKER!
Dear Dunkin Donuts Manager, kindly do not allow your trainees to work the morning shift until they know how to prepare a fucking cup of coffee! Granted, my order is complicated, as I ask for the sugar to be put in the cup at the end and not stirred, but I think that it's do-able. If the dipshit family members you hire can't figure out NOT to stir the goddamn coffee, you need to look beyond your family tree for potential spouses.
Dear Asshole in the Car in Front of ME: it's called a TURN SIGNAL. USE IT! Also, when I beep at you because you're inexplicably stopped at A GREEN LIGHT, do NOT gesticulate wildly in the direction of the police station. The only gesture you're going to receive back is the largest digit on my right hand extended in your direction, cocksucker.
Dear Lazy-ass, Entitled, Honor Student: Do your fucking homework and turn it in when it's due. Don't expect me to give you an extension because you "had a soccer game and got in really late." Fuck that! Set your priorities - academics first, entertainment next. And do not ever bitch to me that you couldn't do your homework because you had so much work in your other classes. Do what I did, peckerwood, STAY UP LATE UNTIL YOUR HOMEWORK'S DONE!
Dear Whiny, Enabling, Honor-Student's Parent: Do NOT expect me to give myself extra work by assigning your lazy-ass kid an extra credit project. If the little shit couldn't be arsed to do the work in the first place, why should I accept any extra work that he's just deigned to do? Fuck right off!
Dear Bitchy, Passive-Aggressive Coworker: when I extend the hand of peace, the appropriate response is to accept it gracefully. If you get all bitchy at me again, you can expect the hand of peace to bitch-slap you upside your self-important, inflated head, you cunt.
Dear Old Biddy at the Market: Kindly adhere to the rules of the road and push your shopping cart down the same side of the aisle that you'd drive your car on, were you on the road. Oh, yeah, that's right - you drive SMACK DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD, TOO!
There. That should do it for today. I've expunged my ire for one day. I'm sure that I'll have more to complain about tomorrow, as the fucking hormones will be with me for the next TWO FUCKING WEEKS!!!!!
posted by Peevish McSnark at
10:30 PM
9 Comments:
Is it wrong to giggle at the expense of others? Reason being is because SO MANY of the things you just described is just the thing that goes thru my mind when I'm faced with the same situation (ESPECIALLY the "cashier at convenience store" and the "dear old biddy at the market").
Complain away. I'll be back for more...;)
By
Stacy The Peanut Queen, At
8:32 AM
I HATE the change on top of the bills!
Why are the hormones with you for two weeks? That seems an extended amount of time, really.
And, oh, the honor student's parents. The horror. The HORROR!
By
Whinger, At
12:45 PM
Oh my God, Bronwen! That's terrible!
I can't even imagine how much chocolate I'd go through.
By
Whinger, At
2:39 PM
This post affirms my long held view that everyday life is an interior monologue swearathon.
I hope you're not one of those women that spends 5 minutes fumbling about in her purse trying to find the right debit card at the supermarket check out. They want slapping they do.
By
garfer, At
3:27 PM
I hate those prats that put your change on the counter even though your hand is extended to receive it.
No money in hand = slapped face!
By
S.I.D., At
4:22 PM
No way, Garfer. I'm ready ahead of time with my debit card. I find myself wishing for a stick of dynamite to shove up the arse of the slow bitches in front of me who fiddle through their purses, or worse, write a check. It soothes my savage breast to think of them blown to bits...
By
Peevish McSnark, At
7:08 PM
I laughed my ass off at this. ¡Muy bien hecho, mujer!
By
Anonymous, At
7:33 PM
It's funny the way americans say "pissed" instead of "pissed off". When you say "I'm pissed half my life", it makes you sound like Sue Ellen Ewing.
People are such wankers: the world will be a much better place as soon as I get lasers installed in my retinas.
By
Sniffy, At
5:00 AM
This post is so perfect! You put my thoughts into writing very well.
PMS for 2 weeks, huh? I don't know that I have PMS for two weeks, but I only get one week a month that I really feel good.
By
Recovering Packrat, At
10:23 AM
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