Why I have to censor my husband...
The World’s Cheapest Man is prone to the glib comment, liberally laced with profanity. He has always been such, and it is one of the many reasons that I love him so. For 37 years, the profanely glib comment has worked for him. Then came Peanut.
Since her appearance on the scene, I have always rushed to censor his speech – I don’t want to be the mother of the playground truck-driver, the child who introduces her friends to the “F” word. I have standards, see?
It just happens that I didn’t get the chance to intervene yesterday, and almost burst a blood vessel laughing at the results...
Yesterday, being Mother’s day, the World’s Cheapest Man decided to spring for dessert at Dairy Queen as my gift. He waited in the torturous line, purchased the ice cream treats, and schlepped it back to the car where Peanut and I were waiting. Peanut had a vanilla cone with sprinkles. Do you know how messy a vanilla cone with sprinkles can be? See, when the ice cream melts, the sprinkles begin dripping off the sides and, well, sprinkling the surrounding area. The WCM had finished his treat and had begun driving home when the inevitable whining from the backseat began:
Peanut: (whine) “Mommy, Daddy’s moving the car and making my ice cream drip!”
Me: (placating) “He can’t help it baby, we’re driving home”
Peanut: (more strident whine) “But I got sprinkles all over me! I need a napkin!”
WCM: (briskly) “Here you go, Peanut. (WCM hands her back a napkin)”
Peanut: (petulantly) “But it’s dry! I need a wet one!”
WCM: (frustrated growl) “Look, it’s all we have. Unless I piss on it, it’s gonna stay dry.”
Peanut: (hysterical) “Piss on it! Piss on it!”
(Much shocked and uncontrollable side-splitting, blood-vessel-bursting laughter ensuing from the front seat)
Peanut: (volubly hysterical) “PISS ON IT! PISS ON IT!”
(Snorting, crying, groaning, and wailing from the front seats).
Me: (sputtering attempt to deflect word choice) “Peanut, (snorf, sputter, hic) I think you mean (gnarf) “Spit on it.”
WCM recovers enough to ask if Peanut knows what “piss” means. Of course not. That’s what made it so funny.
Since her appearance on the scene, I have always rushed to censor his speech – I don’t want to be the mother of the playground truck-driver, the child who introduces her friends to the “F” word. I have standards, see?
It just happens that I didn’t get the chance to intervene yesterday, and almost burst a blood vessel laughing at the results...
Yesterday, being Mother’s day, the World’s Cheapest Man decided to spring for dessert at Dairy Queen as my gift. He waited in the torturous line, purchased the ice cream treats, and schlepped it back to the car where Peanut and I were waiting. Peanut had a vanilla cone with sprinkles. Do you know how messy a vanilla cone with sprinkles can be? See, when the ice cream melts, the sprinkles begin dripping off the sides and, well, sprinkling the surrounding area. The WCM had finished his treat and had begun driving home when the inevitable whining from the backseat began:
Peanut: (whine) “Mommy, Daddy’s moving the car and making my ice cream drip!”
Me: (placating) “He can’t help it baby, we’re driving home”
Peanut: (more strident whine) “But I got sprinkles all over me! I need a napkin!”
WCM: (briskly) “Here you go, Peanut. (WCM hands her back a napkin)”
Peanut: (petulantly) “But it’s dry! I need a wet one!”
WCM: (frustrated growl) “Look, it’s all we have. Unless I piss on it, it’s gonna stay dry.”
Peanut: (hysterical) “Piss on it! Piss on it!”
(Much shocked and uncontrollable side-splitting, blood-vessel-bursting laughter ensuing from the front seat)
Peanut: (volubly hysterical) “PISS ON IT! PISS ON IT!”
(Snorting, crying, groaning, and wailing from the front seats).
Me: (sputtering attempt to deflect word choice) “Peanut, (snorf, sputter, hic) I think you mean (gnarf) “Spit on it.”
WCM recovers enough to ask if Peanut knows what “piss” means. Of course not. That’s what made it so funny.
posted by Peevish McSnark at
8:52 PM
2 Comments:
Absolutely hilarious!! I can picture this all happening very clearly.
Glad you had a memorable mother's day!!
By
Anonymous, At
10:59 AM
Lol!! I love it!
By
portuguesa nova, At
10:34 PM
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