Poisonous Parents
When I was a little girl, my Daddy used to read me a story every night. I'd get a hug and a kiss and go to sleep. Miss Peanut now sleeps in that same bed. Now, I'm the one that gets to sit on the bed and read her a story, pat her back, and answer her myriad questions:
"What do chimpanzees do?"
"How do you make cheese?"
"Where do sharks poop?"
"Do baby giraffes have short necks?
"What do chimpanzees do?"
"How do you make cheese?"
"Where do sharks poop?"
"Do baby giraffes have short necks?
"Do crocodiles eat little girls?"
It's a trippy feeling, to be that person. My father was always my question-answerer. Still is, for many things. I used to love snuggling up to my Dad when I was Miss Peanut's age and asking him to tell me things. Yes, I was Daddy's girl. Miss Peanut, though, is not. She is Mommy's girl. I have her answers, am her security, and give her love. She's a snuggler and a cuddler. Rarely, when I get the chance to sit down, is she not pressed against my side or shoving her feet under my thigh or pushing herself onto my lap.
Because she is so affectionate with me, it twists my heart when she refuses to kiss her father goodnight, as I never went to bed without a hug and a kiss from my Daddy. The WCM is not a warm-fuzzy, cuddly individual, in general. He loves Miss Peanut to death, but he's not a touchy-feely sort, and the love he has rarely comes out right. He's not entirely to blame - so much of his upbringing was fucked-up, and his role models were bitter and emotionally barren. There was open infidelity and spousal contempt on his father's part, and prudish frigidity and passive-agression from his mother. Had I been older and more experienced when I met him, I think I'd have run a mile once I got to know his parents. They recently celebrated their 64th wedding anniversary.
Even though my parents divorced when I was 7, and my mother is a complete melodramatic wacko (love ya, Mom!), I think they provided me with better role models than the battle-hardened couple that stayed married "for the children." I hate what they've done to their youngest child. The damage that they inflicted on him was unintentional, but thorough. Afraid to really show his emotions and more inclined to nag and order than to chat, he deeply fears rejection. Why do I stay? I honestly don't know. Emotional masochism, maybe?
I can answer Miss Peanut's questions now. Once she gets older, though, and her questions get more complex and deal with these heavy emotional issues, I hope I can answer them as breezily. I also hope that the WCM gets a grip on what it means for a little girl to have a good relationship with her father and can draw that poison out of his system.
On the whole, explaining where sharks poop is easier.
The ocean, duh!
posted by Peevish McSnark at
9:18 PM
5 Comments:
Sounds like you're a really good Mom Bronwen. Miss Peanut is lucky.
I'm sorry to hear about your WCM (what does that stand for?)
I lived for years with an emotionally damaged man and it was very, very hard.
We are friends with a couple that stayed together 'for the children' after an adulterous episode. Its really awful to watch. There is no forgiveness and the resultant bitterness and distrust manifests in such veiled nastiness that it just makes me shudder. Those poor kids. I have no idea what they are learning about marriage but I'm pretty sure its not good!
By
Anonymous, At
10:21 AM
I'm just a little bit pregnant (shhhhh....we're keeping this one a secret for a while, keeping it a secret badly, obviously). Posts like these make me very excited. All the men where I was born and raised are like your husband--it'll be easier on your husband when he can show his love for Miss Peanut via oil changes and discretely filling her gas tank, I know that my own father was able to breathe a sigh of relief when that day came for him where we were all concerned.
By
portuguesa nova, At
10:27 AM
Agreed with Portugesa Nova (congratulations!).
My dad was distant until I reached an age where there were after-school activities and he could coach me.
Do I wish he'd been more affectionate? Sure. But I know he loves me.
By
Anonymous, At
12:08 PM
p.s. Bronwen, I read a good book once called "Toxic Parents" when I was trying to learn more about it. Its probably still around. As a matter of fact, I'll check my boxes in the basement. If I find it I'll send it to you.
By
Anonymous, At
2:16 PM
I think we all go through different phases with our parents, depending on our age.
Being the well-adjusted individual that I am, it's probably no surprise that I enjoyed a very close relationship with both of my parents when I was little, perhaps even moreso with my dad. I always missed my mum more when she wasn't around though.
Children change as they grow. And let's face it, there's going to come a day when she might try to get something out of one of you that she can't out of the other.
I think it's very exciting for you, all this uncertainty.
By
Sniffy, At
4:24 AM
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