Retail emporia

I am a shopper.

For those who know me, this is decidedly not news. I have shopped my way through good times and bad, solved crises in the discount stores, and soothed myself with many a bargain. It is a skill that I learned at my mother's knee beside my mother's shopping cart. Part of me will always be comfortable at a mall. Over the years, though, it seems that certain rules of deportment have ceased to be observed at the various and sundry retail emporia that I frequent. Allow me to offer a refresher course:

If you are a stroller-wielding psycho-mom, please refrain from swerving wildly in a crowd. No one likes being kneecapped by your ginormous child-carrying SUV. While we're on the subject, is that monstrosity on wheels entirely necessary? What happened to the unobtrusive umbrella stroller? Must you take up the entire aisle in already crowded stores with your unwieldy contraption? Just do us all a favor, please, and watch where you're going?

If you are a couple of power-walkers, just die, ok? You're in a fucking mall, not the track. Allow the rest of us mere mortals to perambulate at normal speeds without you tailgating. And while you tailgate, you can cease and desist with your condescending huffing and puffing - we both know it has nothing to do with the great speed you're traveling and has everything to do with the fact that my 6-year old and I are moseying along in front of you in complete disregard to your athletic endeavors. Six year olds don't move very quickly, especially when they're as shrimpy as mine, so go suck someone else's oxygen. If you keep tailgating after this, you're going to get another suggestion of things you can suck.

If you are the unwashed teenage mall rats, well, just comb your hair and wash your face. I really can't complain about you too much, except to say that you're aesthetically unpleasing. I mean, well, I could complain about you, but that would be really the height of hypocrisy. I could say quit polluting my airspace with your foul language, but hey, fuck that, because I've been known to drop more than the occasional F-bomb. I could say that your idea of what passes for acceptable attire is questionable at best, but my fashion choices have not always been sartorially sound. I could also say that your time would be better spent cracking open a textbook and doing some homework, but alas, I too am at the mall procrasturbating. So, basic personal hygiene is the best I can recommend - master it.

Lastly, if you are one of the spasmodic cretins who swerve wildly from one aisle to the other with blatant disregard for even the most basic of traffic patterns, and you know who you are, bitches, go back to New Jersey and learn how to drive before you come across the border to shop in my state.

Thank you all for coming to this course in shopping etiquette. It couldn't happen too soon, as the holidays will be upon us, and you all know what that means. No? It means that whatever poor bastard doesn't heed my instruction here today is going to get clotheslined or cold-cocked if their transgressions occur within my reach.