Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Well, this is a quandary...

I really don't live here anymore.  I live on Facebook and in the real world.  I don't share much of my thoughts with the outside world.  Privacy has become a good thing.

I've had what you could call a tumultuous past four years, what with all the changing going on with my body and the consequent changes it wrought in my psyche and my behavior.  There were days where I loved being me and days when I absolutely loathed it.  I think I've reached a comfortable landing point, though.  I can be me, authentically, and not feel like anyone else's opinion is going to invalidate my own.  I don't seek validation from others anymore: it has to come from within.  It's easy to say that, but it's harder - much harder - to feel that in the marrow of your bones and to trust its source.  Now, I do.

The changes in my health have been overwhelmingly positive: I no longer go to sleep at night fearing that I might not wake up in the morning due to sleep apnea.  I'm not depressed anymore.  The joint pain that was starting to settle in my knees and ankles has disappeared, as has the foot pain that had me wincing every time I stood up.  My high blood pressure is out of the stratosphere and hovers near normal with a very low dose of one medication opposed to the higher doses of three medications it took previously (as hypertension is genetic in my family, it may never be completely normal without medication).

The changes I've experienced mentally are akin to a roller coaster ride - all kinds of thrilling twists and turns, sometimes feeling like I had no brakes, routinely making me dizzy, but all the while knowing there was an end to the ride coming.  I've had way too much attention from random men, to the point where I don't do a Girl's Night Out with single women any more.  It's got to be all of us old married hens sticking together, as I get approached when left on my own as the single girls find dates.  Since I've been married for almost all of my adult life, I hardly know how to handle this and it makes me uncomfortable having to fend them off.  I'd like to say I haven't ever been tempted by any of them, but that would be a huge lie.  I've been tempted plenty.  PLENTY.  Which leads me to...

The changes that have been wrought in my marriage have been, for the most part, constructive and positive.  I am completely unwilling to settle for third place in my husband's affections - that's lower than the dog, folks - and have let him know in no uncertain terms that that shit shall not continue.  If there has been one good thing that's come out of all of that random male attention, it's that I've realized my own worth and power.  I was, yes, a fool to not realize it earlier.  However, I've got a handle on it now, and it's not going anywhere.  We're celebrating our 20th anniversary in two weeks.  I'm happy about that now.

So, as of right now, it looks like the future may be fairly smooth sailing.  There may be some rough waters ahead as our daughter enters adolescence, and menopause sounds like a blast , but for this moment, I'm optimistic.  And that seems like a pretty good place to leave things.

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