Now, about those jeans...
We're experiencing an Indian Summer here - side note: is that still "allowed" by the PC police? Indian summer? Should it be "Native American" summer? Indigenous people summer? Warm spell? whatever - and it's brought out the worst of people's fashion sense. Do people completely take leave of their senses when the mercury creeps up a few degrees? Judging by what I saw at the mall today, I really think they do.
Exhibit A: Cro-magnon man in a wifebeater, low-slung jeans, Timberland construction-worker boots, and a big-ass belt buckle trying to rein in his beer gut. Tats proudly displayed, the guy looked like a giant redneck canvas for cheap ink. My advice? Lose the belt and throw on a sweatshirt. Oh, and eyebrows? There should be two.
Exhibit B: Mutton dressed as lamb in tight ultra-low-rise jeans with tons of whiskering - honestly, this is as bad as acid-wash from the 80s - and a tank top that showed her belly in all of its stretch-marked glory. At the risk of gilding the lily, Madame Mouton was flaunting a sparkly belly-button ring, spackled-on makeup, and really big 1980s-New-Jersey-mall-queen hair in a shade of red that Mother Nature never intended. My advice? Stop shopping at Delia*s and Rave and look into Talbots and Macy's, because babe? You're pretty damn scary.
Exhibit C: The Teen Queen wannabe sporting a few pounds of eyeliner and mascara, clomping around in high heels, skinny jeans, and a sassy little T-shirt proclaiming that she "didn't ask to be a Princess" that stretches tight around the teensy little mosquito bites that she tries to contain in a AAA-cup size bra. "Britney Christina" rounds out our list of senseless acts of fashion violence. This exhibit usually travels in packs, with each pack having a dominant princess and a throng of ladies-in-waiting. My advice? Some eye-makeup remover, a bunch of hoodies, and a video on the dangers of teen promiscuity. God knows they won't watch it to learn anything, but it would be at least one hour that they wouldn't be trolling the mall looking for guys.
People, it's fall. Do